The Birds and the Bees
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don't want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won't tell me about the birds and the bees.”
Confused, the father asked the son what was wrong? Sobbing, the boy replies, “When I was six years old, I got the - THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY speech. Then at seven, I got the - THERE IS NO TOOTH FAIRY speech, and when I was eight, you hit me with the - THERE IS NO SANTA speech.”
The boy pauses and then says, “So Dad, if you are going to tell me that grown-ups DO NOT HAVE SEX, I'll have nothing to live for!
Bubba
A redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 but that he was not a bank depositor.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the man handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The redneck produced the title, and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the banker's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the redneck returned and paid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, sir, we are happy to have your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzled us was why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The good ole Alabama boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Boys and Girls
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A little girl and a little boy were playing. The boy said to the girl, “I bet I have something you don't have.”
So he pulled up his shirt and pointed to his belly button. The little girl pulled up her shirt, pointed to her belly button, and said, “Oh no, you don't.”
“I bet you don't have two of these,” the little boy continued as he pulled his shirt up a little further and pointed to his nipples.
The little girl did the same and said, “Oh yes, I do,” she said as she pointed to her own.
The little boy wouldn't give up, so he pulled down his pants and pointed to his penis. The little girl pulled her pants down and naturally didn't see a penis. So she ran home crying.
The next day the little boy saw the little girl humming and skipping along. “What are you so happy about? You don't even have one of these,” he said as he pointed to his crotch.
The little girl, now secure, pointed to her private and said, “My mommy said that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
Because I'm Blond
A girl comes home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" She yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I could count to ten! See. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."
"Very good," her mother said
"Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
"Yes, honey, it's because you're blond."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" She yelled."We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G! See. A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother
"Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
"Yes, honey, it's because you're blond."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, mommy!" She yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these," she said as she lifted her tank shirt up to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good," said the embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
"No, honey, it's because you're 25."
Gynecologist Assistant
A retired man goes into the job center in the downtown Denver area and sees a card advertising for a gynecologist assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more. “Can I get some details?” He asked the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their clothes, lay them down and cheerfully wash their private areas, so they can be ready for the doctor to give them their exam. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you'll have to go to Billings, Montana. That's about 555 miles from here.”
“Good grief! Is that where the job is?” Asked the man.
“No, sir, that's where the end of the line is right now to apply.”
Neighborly Chat
A farmer got in his pickup truck, drove several miles to the neighboring farm, and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 years old opened the door. “Is your paw home?” Farmer asked.
“No, sir, he ain't. He went into town.”
“Well,” the farmer said, “Is your mom home?”
“No, sir. She ain't home either,” the boy replied. “She went to town with my paw.”
“How about your brother Lloyd? Is he here?”
“No. He went with Ma and Pa.”
The farmers stood there for a few minutes, shifted from one foot to the other, and mumbled to himself. “Is there anything I could do for you?” The boy asked. “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow something. Or maybe I could take a message for my Pa?”
“Well,'' the farmer said uncomfortably. “I really wanted to talk to your Pa. It's about your brother Lloyd getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boys thought for a moment. “You'll have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Lloyd.”
Valuable Lesson
​
I was happy. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and even my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend, she was a dream. There was only one thing that bothered me, and very much indeed. That one thing was my girlfriend's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years old and wore tight mini skirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend over me when near me, revealing many pleasant views of her breasts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day, my little sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitation. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, so if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned. I was frozen, shocked, as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there momentarily, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and walked straight to my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, “We are delighted you passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
The young man thought to himself, “It's a good thing I keep my condoms in the car.”
​
The Fire Engine
A firefighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl pulling a red wagon with a toy ladder hanging off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet, and the wagon was tied to a dog and a cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl said.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed a little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. "Little partner," he said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie the rope around the cat collar, I think you would go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Urinals Are Too High
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's bathroom when one of the boys came out and told her they couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and helped the boys with their pants. Then she began hoisting the little guys up one by one. She even held out their "wee-wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school student. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade?
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 7th."
Johnny Does Breakfast
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Johnny lives on a farm. He wakes up one morning and goes downstairs to have breakfast. His mother quickly informs him that there will be no breakfast until his chores are done. "But, I'm hungry," he tried to say.
But she chased him out the door. While in the kitchen, Johnny's mother watched from the window as he did his chores. She watched him rustle the chickens up instead of just collecting the eggs. She watched him chase the pigs around the pain instead of just slapping them. She also watched him spray milk all over the barn floor while tugging on the cow carelessly.
So, when Johnny returned to the kitchen to receive what he believed to be a well-deserved breakfast, he was surprised that his mother handed him a big bowl of dry cereal. Johnny immediately cried out, "What's with this? I'm starving. I worked hard for this meal."
Johnny's mother was quick to explain. She said, "I saw what you did to the chickens, so I'm not going to make you any eggs. I saw how you acted around the pigs, so I'm not going to make you any bacon today. And as far as milk for your cereal, you wasted your share of milk on the barn floor earlier, so you're not getting any of that today either."
Johnny was upset, but he sat down quietly and looked at his big bowl of cereal. Just then, his dad came stumbling down the stairs and into the kitchen. The family's cat sat at the dining room table in the father's chair. The father abruptly swatted the cat out of his seat with the morning paper. Johnny curiously looked up at his mother with a bit of a smirk on his face and asked, "So, mama do you want to tell him, or should I?"
New Boots
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An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are snowbirds in Texas. Sam has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing a nice pair on sale one day, he decides to buy them. He wears them home, walking proudly. So sure of himself, he struts right into his house, walks up to his wife, and asks, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over and answers, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bedroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for his new boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? Your business is hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"
Bessie quickly replies, "Should have bought a new hat, Sam. You should have bought a new hat."
Never Try to Fool Your Mom
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Brian invites his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother can’t help but notice how beautiful Bryan's roommate Stephanie is. Brian's mom has long been suspicious of the relationship between Brian and Stephanie, which only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, Brian's mom starts to wonder if there is more between the two of them than meets the eye. Brian volunteers, reading his mom's thoughts, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie, and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian, saying, "Ever since your mother came for dinner, I have been unable to find my beautiful, silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian answers, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an email just to be sure."
So he sits down and writes:
Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from my house. I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle from my home. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love Brian.
Several days later, Brian receives an email back from his mom:
Dear son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Stephanie. I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found her gravy ladle by now. Love Mom
Escaped
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A man escapes from prison, where he has been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While moving the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While in the bathroom, the husband whispers to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes. He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't been with a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay and thinks you're cute. He asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.”
​
Nudists
A man, his wife, and their seven-year-old son go to a nudist camp. Upon arrival, the wife goes to the cabin to settle in a while. Her husband and their son go down by the lake. A few minutes later, The boy comes running into the cabin shouting to his mother, “Mama, did you know that some women's breasts are bigger than others?”
“Yes,” the mother answered. Adding, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So, the boy returned to the lake with his father. A few minutes later, he returned. Again and again, he was shouting for his mother. “Ma, did you know that some penises are bigger than others?”
“Yes,” she answered. Adding, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
Again the boy returned to the lake to catch up with his father. However, the boy later returned a third time, but this time he was so worked up and out of breath that he could barely speak. “Ma, ma. Come quick. I need your help!” he shouted. “Daddy's talking to the dumbest lady on the beach, and he is getting dumber by the minute.”
Old Man's Perscription
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An older guy goes to the doctor wanting a large amount of maximum strength Viagra. The doctor asks, “Why do you need so much?”
The man says, “I have two nymphomaniacs coming over for the weekend.”
So, after a little more convincing, the doctor agrees to give him the prescription.
A few days later, the guy comes back begging for painkillers. “Wow! Your dick hurts that bad, or did you pull out your back?” the doctor asks.
The guy answers, “Neither, doc. They're for my wrists. The girls never showed up.”
I Want A Raise
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The young Spanish maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was distraught and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now, Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria said, “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
“Who said you iron better than me?” She asked.
Maria answers, “Your husband said so.”
“The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
“Nonsense,” the wife said. “Who said you were a better cook than me?”
“Your husband did,” Maria said.
“My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Furious, the wife asked, “Did my husband tell you that too?”
“No, Señora, the gardener told me that.”
“Okay, so how much do you want?” the wife asked.
A New Truck
One day, Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy George driving a brand new pickup. Georgie pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Where'd you get that truck?” Jimmy asked George.
“Tammie, give it to me,” Georgie replied.
“She gave it to ya?”
“I know she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes, and told me to take whatever I wanted. So I took the truck.”
The Ring
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock, brought out a $5,000 ring, and showed it to the man. The old man said, "I don't think you understand I want something exceptional for my lovely."
Hearing that, the jeweler went to his particular stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled, and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing her delight, immediately said, "We'll take it!"
The Jeweler asked how payment would be made? The old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon," he said with a grin.
Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler called the older man. "There's no money in your account," he screamed.
"I know," the old man laughed. "But I had one hell of a weekend."
​
Going Up
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A redneck family from the Hills for visiting the city. They were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The Father and Son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. Having never seen an elevator, the boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"
The father responded, "Uh, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idea what it is. "
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed the button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled into a small room between them. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. Then the numbers began to light up in the reverse order. When the walls opened again, a gorgeous, voluptuous, 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quickly to his son, "Boy, go get your mama!"
​
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Appendicitis
A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman entered. She had a purple, punk rock mohawk. She was sporting a variety of tattoos and piercings, and she was wearing a crazy, strange outfit. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed and on the operating table, the surgical team noticed that her pubic hairs had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo that read: "Keep off the grass."
When the surgery was complete, the surgeon left the patient a note on her dressing, saying, "Sorry we had to mow the lawn."
​
Twenty-Five Children
A young lady gets married, and she has eight children with her husband. Soon after their last child is born, he dies. The woman remarries, and she has seven more children with her second husband. Not long after their last child was born, this man died. The woman marries a third time and has ten additional children with this husband. Now she has 25 children, and she again becomes a widow. Soon after, she passes away herself.
At her funeral, two of her oldest and dearest friends are talking. The one lady says to the other, “At least now they will finally be together.”
“Who will be together?” the other friend asks, a little confused.
“Her legs!” she replies.
Family Ranch
Two sisters, one a blond and one a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard a few towns away so that they can stop paying breeding fees and breed their own stock. But they only had $600 to work with.
So, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her he will sell it for $599.00. She agrees and pays him. Then to the nearby telegraph office to tell her sister the good news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegraph to my sister telling her that I've bought the bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, but it's 99 cents a word. After paying for the bull, she only had $1 left. She realizes that she will only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word comfortable.”
The operator looks at her and shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you only send her COMFORTABLE?”
Well, the brunette explains, “My sister is a blonde. The word is big. She'll sound it out real slow. Com-for-da-bull.”
Seeing A Fart
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it because he's liable to break something. But the boy continues.
"Knock it off!" the mom screams. "You are going to break something!"
He stops. Shortly after, his mom leaves for the shopping center. The boy starts up with the balloon again as soon as she leaves. On his last flick, the balloon lands in the toilet, where he leaves it. A little while later, Mom comes home, and while putting away the groceries, she gets the urge to go to the bathroom. Serious diarrhea. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time.
When she is finished, she looks down and can't believe what she sees. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet? She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly and examine everything.
When he arrives, Mom leads him to the bathroom. He gets down on his knees and takes a long hard look at the thing filling her toilet. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what might happen. It pops! It (the balloon) explodes, and poop flies everywhere. It is now on him, the floor, the walls...everywhere.
"Doc! Doc! Are you all right?" the woman asks.
He replies, "Yes, but I have been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I have ever honestly actually seen a fart!"
I'm Broke
I answered a knock on the door yesterday, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a minute of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-power vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money. I'm broke!" I yelled as I proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot into the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be so hasty," he said. Not until you've at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a large bucket of horse manure on my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove every trace of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well, I hope you have a freaking good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Interviews
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four equally qualified people. He decided to call them all in and ask them a single question. The answer would determine which of them he would hire.
The day came, and they all met. All four sat around the conference table, along with the interviews. Addressing the man to his right, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There is no forewarning that it is on its way. It's just there. I think a thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmmm, let me see. A blink. It comes and goes, and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent," the interviewer said. "The blink of an eye is a very popular metaphor for speed."
The third man was contemplating his reply. "Well, growing up on my dad's ranch, you'd step out of the house, and on the wall, there was a light switch, and when you flipped that switch way out across the pasture, a light would instantly come on in the barn. So, I'd have to say the speed of light is the fastest thing I know of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third prospect's answer. He believed he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to the fourth man, he again posed the same question. "Well, after hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing I know of is diarrhea!"
"What?" said the interviewer questioned, stunned by the response.
"I can explain," said the fourth man. "You see, I wasn't feeling so well the other day, and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I had already shit my pants!"
He was hired immediately.
Bed-Side Manner
A bossy businessman was hospitalized, and during his stay, he learned the hard way that it pays to be pleasant to the nursing staff.
One morning, after this man had been very mean to all of the nurses on the ward, the head nurse finally stood up to him. She entered his room unannounced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually, he rolled over and bared his bottom. After the nurse inserted the thermometer, he heard her say, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like this until I get back."
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" The doctor asked.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes, I have," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
A Powerful Word
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit-faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just playing shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and sometimes you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or just a lot of really weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit or find yourself up shit's creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
So pass it along if you give a shit.
Flower Show
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local Town Hall, where a flower show was in progress. The one elderly woman leans over and says, "Life is so darn boring we never have any fun anymore. For $5, I’ll take all my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show."
"You are on," said the other old lady, holding up a $5 bill.
So the first little old lady slowly fumbles her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, she streaks as fast as she can through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling, naked old lady comes strolling out the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I just won 1st Place for BEST DRIED ARRANGEMENT."
Two Hour Delay
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electronic train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, all you sons of bitches who want to get the hell off off now because this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train because we are going down the track.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for two hours. And when you do come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use friendly language.
Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped, and the mother heard her son saying, "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you, and hope your trip was pleasant. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue."For those of you just boarding, please remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother smiled, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the 2-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Johnny and the Baby
Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad talked with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib, he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and stunning eyes. Can he see?''
“Yes,” the mother replied. “We are so thankful. The doctor said he has 20/20 vision.''
“That's great,” said Little Johnny, “because he'd be shit out of luck if he needed glasses.”
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Bitches
After an examination, the doctor sighed and said, “I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.”
The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
“Well, my love, we celebrate when things are good and when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two felt a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I've been diagnosed with AIDS.”
The friends were aghast. They gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”
The mom quickly replied, “Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.”
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A New Bike
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000. And your mother just lost her job. There is no way we can afford it.”
The next day, the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. He asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Joe said, “I was walking past your room last night, and I heard you telling Mommy you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000. Mortgage and no bike!”
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Rewind
While in line at a bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I finally grabbed hold of her arm after receiving several looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that she would be punished if she didn’t start behaving immediately.
To my horror, she looked me straight in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t take your hands off of me right now, I am going to tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night.”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the teller stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out the bank door with my daughter in toe. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter echoing through the building.
A Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their vehicles, the man yells about women drivers.
The woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
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Unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree completely. This must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car was demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks half the bottle. Then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I'll just wait for the police...”
Ninth Green
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. “Help me, dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. The wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I'm dying here, and you're putting?”
“Don't worry, dear,” he says calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole, and he's coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take him to get here?” she asked feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everyone already agreed to let him play through.”
Four Moms in Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their minor children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
He said to the first mother, Mary, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
A New Store
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Two young businessmen sat down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now, some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely, and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old-timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
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Alligator Shoes
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, “Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free.”
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, “Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?”
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature, and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were seven more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration, “Shit, this one is barefoot too.”